Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Dear America: Congratulations on your Upcoming Divorce!

Dear America,

We, your friends and family, are all thrilled to bits that you're finally dumping that asshole you married seven and a half years ago.

I know, we probably should have said something before. Believe me, we wanted to because honestly - we always thought he was a moron. Some of us tried to drop some subtle hints, but by then you were so gaga over the guy that there was just no talking to you.

The trouble is, we've heard that your ex has been sniffing around again, and that part of you has actually been considering getting back together with that son of a bitch. I find that hard to believe, but I have to tell you that if it's true then there really is no hope for you at all.

I know, I know. He says he's changed. He says he's a different man. He tells you he loves you, and promises to shower you with gifts and make all your problems go away and to never, ever hurt you or your kids ever again.

You cannot possibly be that stupid. You know he's lying, right? You know that as soon as he's back in your house that it's just going to be the same old shit all over again, right? Just because he's comfortable and familiar, or reminds you of your dad, or whatever the hell the appeal is, is no excuse for you to keep going back for more abuse again and again.

Please. I know you're torn, but you just can't put us all through this again. Just dump the chump for good and try to put it all behind you.

With love and respect,

The World

(P.S. - We all really like that new guy you've been seeing. I think he'll be good for you.)


  1. Very clever, Jennifer!

    Well done . . . .

  2. I have to say, I never liked that man that talks funny, or his sidekick that wants to be Darth Vader. It has been one of the most bizarre eight years that I can remember.

    He never was elected by the people, but stole the elections.

    It will be refreshing to have a fresh optimistic face in the White House, But I think there are still many problems here in The Great Satan. We will still have Rupert Murdock's Ministry of Propaganda, and the Fundies who will wait until things cool down a little bit, and in the mean time, influence the administration that is soon to come.

    The major corporations that gave to Georgie Porgie have temporarily gave up on the republicans and are now influencing the Democrats.

    We will still be in Iraq, defending our oil that somehow got under the sand of some brown peoples sand, as our young impressionable men and women were manipulated into going into service, only to find that they will have their appendages missing and cursed with memories that they will be unable to erase form their heads, only to be called back after they were told that they could come home.

    I will be smiling when the Chimp of State leaves, but I don't think our nightmares will be over.

    San Francisco, CA

  3. Thanks for the kind words, but it was never a happy or even consensual marriage..more like an arranged one. Thanks uncle Diebold!