Friday, March 21, 2008

The Garth Turner Comedy Hour

Love him or hate him, Garth Turner is always entertaining. And as a recent outsider with a unique perspective, once in a while he's right on the money.

Tonight, responding to a new party member on the subject of Liberal wimpitude:

Face it – getting Libs into power was not rocket science while the PCs disintegrated, thanks to the efforts of the wingnuts in the Reform Party, which was basically unelectable. Given that, Liberals stopped being hungry, stopped being aggressive, stopped being insanely partisan, and concentrated on governing.

Meanwhile, Conservatives (which is what those Reformers are now called), evolved in an opposite direction. Unburdened with power, they spent every moment plotting how to get it. They organized the shorts off their membership. They learned how to communicate effectively. They got very good at spin, attack, derision, debate, character assassination, smear, media relations, innuendo, tactics, tour and messaging. They set up a killer data system. They hired a mess of political field operatives. They honed a platform. They learned retail politics. They probed the many weaknesses of the guys in office. They hired tough nuts like Doug Finley and Ian Brodie to run the back shop. They lived and ate and drank and slept and breathed and peed politics. And they won.

Today Stephen Harper is therefore not only prime minister, but in charge of a bare-knuckle brigade of streetfighters who still dream nightly of standing over the torn-asunder carcasses of Liberals, holding aloft their still-beating hearts. Or close. You get my drift, Ian?

Thus, you might imagine the work I’ve been doing for the last few months as a special advisor to Stephane Dion. Feeding him raw steak. Hormone injections. Weights. Anger training. New glasses with hidden electrodes. Bought him a Harley. The works. When the House resumes March 31st, I’ll have the guy so hepped up he’ll rip out his desk during QP and crush Stephen Harper with it like a western pine beetle. Let the Speaker look irritated and call, “Order, order!” Bug juice on the mace. Bug bits everywhere.

Oops. Sorry Ian, forgive me. I had a CPC moment there.

"Crush him like a Western pine beetle." Hee hee hee!

One commenter suggested that Dion needs a new speechwriter. I volunteered, but I think Garth would be equally qualified. Either that or he should go write for '22 Minutes'.

1 comment:

  1. Garth Turner still doesn't get it. His inability to swallow the idea that some individuals may have a different vision than he does has already cost him a seat on the government and banished him to, in all likelihood, serve out the remainder of his political career as an opposition windbag.

    He isn't alone, either: Joe Clark and Danny Williams suffer from the same affliction. Those in the know call it "political vanity".